Obama Wins Nomination on Ninth Ballot

Recently delegates put in some serious overtime at the Democratic Convention.  It was 4:15 AM EDT before presidential candidate and current incumbent Barack Obama finally got a majority on the ninth ballot.  It was much more exciting than any convention since the 1920s.  The delegates finally went home at 8:30 AM after selecting Joe Biden as the vice presidential candidate by acclimation and hearing Obama’s two hour and thirty minute acceptance speech.

On the first ballot none of the three presidential hopefuls managed to get a majority.  Obama, Lyndon Johnson, the sprightly zombie, and Barney Frank finished in a virtual tie.  After the sixth ballot Johnson dropped out when it was clear that Frank was developing a commanding lead.  Johnson delighted onlookers  by releasing his delegates to vote their conscience.  It took three more ballots for Obama to grind out  a narrow victory with 51% of the delegates voting for him.  Frank was gracious in defeat and promised to campaign vigorously for Obama.  Sam Rayburn and Hale Boggs of the Johnson camp spoke for LBJ, announcing that he was going to endorse Obama.  Johnson needed to leave the arena to harvest some cerebral tissue.  His staff, taken by surprise by the number of ballots,  hadn’t stocked the meat locker sufficiently.

In his acceptance speech, Obama promised to revitalize the US economy.  He said that on his first day in office the IRS would freeze the Romney family’s offshore assets in preparation for confiscating them.  While this would be, at best a symbolic debt reduction gesture, in the area of Romney related job creation Obama promised to bail out American Motors and bring back the Rambler, AKA “The All American Car.”  The big surprise of the evening/morning was Obama’s announcement of his initiative to revitalize the economy by eliminating organized crime.  He plans to legalize vice on a grand scale thus taking it out of the hands of criminal entrepreneurs.   His plan involves turning intoxicants, gambling, prostitution, and finance over to private enterprise in hopes of breaking the back of the cartels and crime syndicates that currently control these businesses.  He said,

We can cut the deficit to nothing in ten years or fewer by unleashing the American entrepreneurial spirit and taxing the resulting businesses at a moderate rate.  As a bit of lagniappe, we’ll be able to revitalize America’s inner cities by taking away the gangs’ raison d’etre.  I expect that the most egregiously offensive instances of gangsta rap will become historical curiosities as inner city youth finds gainful employment in what we’re calling the “Service Revolution.

Republican rival Mitt Romney was quick to criticize Obama’s initiative.  “My wife Ann often says, ‘I don’t smoke and I don’t chew and I don’t go with guys who do.’  Gambling, drugs, prostitution, and finance are not the path to a healthy economy.”

Pundit Walter Lippman put down his Medulla Martini and said, “This promises to be the most interesting presidential campaign since Strom Thurmond with his ‘gallows on every corner’ platform crossed swords with Henry Wallace and Harry Truman.”


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