The Rising Tide of Canadian Illegals in the US

Part I-The Invasion

Wichita, KS

July 13, 2013

In a city that is Middle American both culturally and geographically there is a growing awareness that the city has been infiltrated by Canadian illegals with PhDs. Sources in city government who prefer to remain anonymous say that the official estimate of the Canadian illegal population is currently 350,000 and growing daily. One of the anonymous officials said, “It’s the Underground Railroad in reverse. The route established by John Brown and his supporters still exists. Now they’re using it come here from Canada.”

This reporter went to seven convenience stores selected at random from the internet and bought a 40 oz. bottle of malt liquor at each. All of the clerks pronounced the letter “O” in the distinctive Canadian manner and ended many sentences with a rising inflection and the word “eh.” Several of them wore plaid flannel shirts. Clerks were observed with copies of Kant’s “Critique of Pure Reason” and Spenser’s “Faerie Queen.” One was scribbling arcane mathematical equations in a spiral notebook. None of them would comment on their national origin. All of the stores had large amounts of hockey paraphernalia on display.

Other cities across the country are experiencing this phenomenon. Boise, Idaho landscape contractor Elvin Tappe said, “About six months ago I noticed that the groups of people waiting on the street corner I usually go to for casual laborers looked different. A lot of the guys weren’t Hispanic. The new guys spoke English too. They had kind of a funny accent but they weren’t nearly as hard to understand as my brother-in-law from Georgia. I decided I’d try a couple. They were pretty good. They took a half hour lunch and didn’t drink on the job. On one of my jobs we were building a retaining wall. A guy took a look at the drawing and said ‘I think this is way overdesigned. It doesn’t have to be nearly that thick.’  He did some quick calculations and, by gosh, he was right. I saved 50% on materials on that job.”

In Del Rio, TX this correspondent managed to interview a man we’ll call Brian who was working as a bus boy in a local Mexican restaurant. He said “I was a tenured professor in the English department of a respected university but there was something missing from my life. I hated wearing tweed and corduroy jackets with patches on the elbows. The pipe smoke burned my tongue. I was bored with the clumsy advances the female, and some male, students made in hopes of improving their grades. Then there were the Quebeckers. The gangs were especially bad. It was hard to walk around in many neighborhoods because of the bands of tattooed young men who wore berets in their gang color. These “garçonz,” as they called themselves, harassed passers by. There were reports of car break ins and muggings. One morning my wife and I were putting groceries in the car when a group of garçonz came up to us. One of them said ‘Votre maman souffle les ours morts. Elle les aime beaucoup.’ He leered and put his fingers up to his mouth in a V shape. He moved his tongue back and forth through the V while making libidinous noises. I was mortified. My wife found it strangely provacative. We discussed it and decided that the U. S. was the only choice.”

Nationwide, the population of Canadian PhDs and their families is estimated at upwards of 20,000,000. The unfortified borders of Montana and North Dakota are favored entry points. ICE refuses to comment on the issue. Spokesperson Walter Moryn said “We have received complaints about illegal immigration from Canada. We are investigating several situations. I’d prefer not to comment until we have some concrete evidence.”

Moryn advised that anyone who suspects that Canadian illegals are living in their town to contact ICE. He promised that every complaint would receive the agency’s full attention.

Part II-The Dean Interview

July 14, 2013

In this second installment of our series on the influx of illegal Canadian immigrants with PhDs we’ll take a look at some of the sociological consequences of the invasion from the north. Last week I interviewed Dr. Jerome Herman Dean, a senior fellow at the Rickey Institute of Social Behavior in St. Louis. Dr. Dean specializes in the dynamics of crowds. He recently published a monograph titled “New Trends in Group Behavior” in the Midwest Journal of Social Dynamics.

JF: I understand your monograph has caused quite a stir both in the academic community and among the general public. Could you describe your findings?

JHD: Over the last three years my research staff has monitored behavior in a variety of public places. They’ve noticed an odd shift in the dynamics of these situations. The incidence of fights among the spectators at hockey games has declined by 60% from 2004 levels. Customers at dawn Christmas sales have formed orderly lines and entered the store at a walk, one at a time when the doors opened. There has been a 25% increase in the use of turn signals. The incidence of people giving up seats to the aged and infirm on public transit has increased by 75%.

JF: Do you believe this indicates a trend?

JHD: Yes. For the last fifteen years we have studied the behavior of crowds in four areas: driving, entertainment events, shopping, and public transit. We’ve developed objective measures of crowd behavior. We’ve established a particularly useful metric which we call the “Rudeness Index.” In each of the four areas we’ve found a statistically significant decline in rudness since 2004. Furthermore the Rudeness Index shows a decline every year versus the previous year.

JF: Have you identified a cause for this shift in behavior?

JHD: Our current results show a strong positive correlation between the increase in the population of Canadian illegal immigrants with PhDs. The decline in the Rudeness Index since 2004 has tracked the increase in the Canadian illegal PhD population very closely. We’re now working on several studies to test our findings.

JF: So you’re not sure that the Canadian Invasion is responsible for the changes you’ve noticed.

JHD: This is science; everything is open to question. I believe in the soundness of our methodology and the statistical analysis of our results. So, yes, I believe that the increase in the number of Canadian PhDs who entered this country illegally is, given the current level of knowledge, the best explanation we have for the decline in rudeness. My colleagues in the profession are in accord with me.


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