Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Why I Support Donald Trump for the GOP Nomination

April 21, 2016

I’m not a registered Republican.  For that matter I’m not a registered Democrat either.  In fact, I’m not a registered member of any party. I think California currently calls people like me “no party preference.” It used to be “declines to state.”  I like the sound of that one better. Chances are pretty good that I’ll vote for the Democratic presidential candidate this year.  It’s not that I have a warm or even tepid regard for the Democratic candidates.  It’s because of the Republican candidates.  Most GOP presidential candidates are just repellent.  This year, the two leading Republican hopefuls appeal to the side of human nature that’s usually the raw material of sensationally brutal and senseless crimes.  What we’ve got here, folks, is a sociopath and a guy with borderline personality disorder.  The sociopath, Cruz, is what they call in crime fiction an organized offender while the BPD guy, Trump, is a disorganized offender.

If either of these guys wins the presidential election we’re doomed or, even worse, doomded.  The good news is that, at least according to current polls, neither stands a chance against a Democrat who can walk, talk, and doesn’t drool too much.  Naturally I’d like the less likely winner to run.  I think Big D is my man.  I’m backing him, at least in the fight for the nomination, 101%.  I’d like to go 110% but that’s impossible since 100% is an absolute maximum.  I think the extra 1% is within sampling error so I’m sticking with it.

I urge all like minded citizens to follow my example.

The Rising Tide of Canadian Illegals in the US

July 14, 2013

Part I-The Invasion

Wichita, KS

July 13, 2013

In a city that is Middle American both culturally and geographically there is a growing awareness that the city has been infiltrated by Canadian illegals with PhDs. Sources in city government who prefer to remain anonymous say that the official estimate of the Canadian illegal population is currently 350,000 and growing daily. One of the anonymous officials said, “It’s the Underground Railroad in reverse. The route established by John Brown and his supporters still exists. Now they’re using it come here from Canada.”

This reporter went to seven convenience stores selected at random from the internet and bought a 40 oz. bottle of malt liquor at each. All of the clerks pronounced the letter “O” in the distinctive Canadian manner and ended many sentences with a rising inflection and the word “eh.” Several of them wore plaid flannel shirts. Clerks were observed with copies of Kant’s “Critique of Pure Reason” and Spenser’s “Faerie Queen.” One was scribbling arcane mathematical equations in a spiral notebook. None of them would comment on their national origin. All of the stores had large amounts of hockey paraphernalia on display.

Other cities across the country are experiencing this phenomenon. Boise, Idaho landscape contractor Elvin Tappe said, “About six months ago I noticed that the groups of people waiting on the street corner I usually go to for casual laborers looked different. A lot of the guys weren’t Hispanic. The new guys spoke English too. They had kind of a funny accent but they weren’t nearly as hard to understand as my brother-in-law from Georgia. I decided I’d try a couple. They were pretty good. They took a half hour lunch and didn’t drink on the job. On one of my jobs we were building a retaining wall. A guy took a look at the drawing and said ‘I think this is way overdesigned. It doesn’t have to be nearly that thick.’  He did some quick calculations and, by gosh, he was right. I saved 50% on materials on that job.”

In Del Rio, TX this correspondent managed to interview a man we’ll call Brian who was working as a bus boy in a local Mexican restaurant. He said “I was a tenured professor in the English department of a respected university but there was something missing from my life. I hated wearing tweed and corduroy jackets with patches on the elbows. The pipe smoke burned my tongue. I was bored with the clumsy advances the female, and some male, students made in hopes of improving their grades. Then there were the Quebeckers. The gangs were especially bad. It was hard to walk around in many neighborhoods because of the bands of tattooed young men who wore berets in their gang color. These “garçonz,” as they called themselves, harassed passers by. There were reports of car break ins and muggings. One morning my wife and I were putting groceries in the car when a group of garçonz came up to us. One of them said ‘Votre maman souffle les ours morts. Elle les aime beaucoup.’ He leered and put his fingers up to his mouth in a V shape. He moved his tongue back and forth through the V while making libidinous noises. I was mortified. My wife found it strangely provacative. We discussed it and decided that the U. S. was the only choice.”

Nationwide, the population of Canadian PhDs and their families is estimated at upwards of 20,000,000. The unfortified borders of Montana and North Dakota are favored entry points. ICE refuses to comment on the issue. Spokesperson Walter Moryn said “We have received complaints about illegal immigration from Canada. We are investigating several situations. I’d prefer not to comment until we have some concrete evidence.”

Moryn advised that anyone who suspects that Canadian illegals are living in their town to contact ICE. He promised that every complaint would receive the agency’s full attention.

Part II-The Dean Interview

July 14, 2013

In this second installment of our series on the influx of illegal Canadian immigrants with PhDs we’ll take a look at some of the sociological consequences of the invasion from the north. Last week I interviewed Dr. Jerome Herman Dean, a senior fellow at the Rickey Institute of Social Behavior in St. Louis. Dr. Dean specializes in the dynamics of crowds. He recently published a monograph titled “New Trends in Group Behavior” in the Midwest Journal of Social Dynamics.

JF: I understand your monograph has caused quite a stir both in the academic community and among the general public. Could you describe your findings?

JHD: Over the last three years my research staff has monitored behavior in a variety of public places. They’ve noticed an odd shift in the dynamics of these situations. The incidence of fights among the spectators at hockey games has declined by 60% from 2004 levels. Customers at dawn Christmas sales have formed orderly lines and entered the store at a walk, one at a time when the doors opened. There has been a 25% increase in the use of turn signals. The incidence of people giving up seats to the aged and infirm on public transit has increased by 75%.

JF: Do you believe this indicates a trend?

JHD: Yes. For the last fifteen years we have studied the behavior of crowds in four areas: driving, entertainment events, shopping, and public transit. We’ve developed objective measures of crowd behavior. We’ve established a particularly useful metric which we call the “Rudeness Index.” In each of the four areas we’ve found a statistically significant decline in rudness since 2004. Furthermore the Rudeness Index shows a decline every year versus the previous year.

JF: Have you identified a cause for this shift in behavior?

JHD: Our current results show a strong positive correlation between the increase in the population of Canadian illegal immigrants with PhDs. The decline in the Rudeness Index since 2004 has tracked the increase in the Canadian illegal PhD population very closely. We’re now working on several studies to test our findings.

JF: So you’re not sure that the Canadian Invasion is responsible for the changes you’ve noticed.

JHD: This is science; everything is open to question. I believe in the soundness of our methodology and the statistical analysis of our results. So, yes, I believe that the increase in the number of Canadian PhDs who entered this country illegally is, given the current level of knowledge, the best explanation we have for the decline in rudeness. My colleagues in the profession are in accord with me.

VP Debate–Will Biden Raise Lycanthropy Issue with Ryan? Will He Use a Silver Bullet

October 11, 2012

The much anticipated VP debate takes place this evening with Joe Biden and Paul Ryan squaring off.  While insiders expect that much of the wrangling will center on Ryan’s budget and Romney’s controversial assertions in last week’s presidential debate,  there’s one thing that many wonder about.  For many years there has been an undercurrent of lycanthropy accusations swirling about Ryan’s feet.  A growing number of people believe that Ryan is a werewolf.  

Dr. Howard Lovecraft, noted occult expert, points out, “Ryan exhibits two physical characteristics long associated with the loup garou, a connection between his eyebrows and a widow’s peak.  It’s also significant that the debate is scheduled to avoid the next full moon on October 29th.”

Former long time Ryan campaign staffer Missy Hohenstaffel of Racine, WI says, “I worked for Mr. Ryan for many years.  I finally had to resign because I feared for my own safety.  Every 28 days, as regular as, you know, what happens with birth control pills, Mr. Ryan would stay in his office.  Lots of us heard strange noises like a wild animal or something.  I resigned when I saw strange looking men in gray jumpsuits delivering live goats and sheep to Mr. Ryan’s office.  The weird noises got louder after the deliveries.  Nobody ever saw the goats or sheep ever come out.  A day or two later, after Mr. Ryan came out of his office people from a specialized cleaning company, one of the ones that cleans up after floods and toddler birthday parties, would go into Mr. Ryan’s office and spend several hours there.  It made me very nervous.”

We haven’t been able to verify the rumors to our satisfaction, but we do think that they raise important questions that need public clarification.  We hope Mr. Biden, who’s known for his hard hitting debate style, will address this issue.   

Obama Wins Nomination on Ninth Ballot

October 9, 2012

Recently delegates put in some serious overtime at the Democratic Convention.  It was 4:15 AM EDT before presidential candidate and current incumbent Barack Obama finally got a majority on the ninth ballot.  It was much more exciting than any convention since the 1920s.  The delegates finally went home at 8:30 AM after selecting Joe Biden as the vice presidential candidate by acclimation and hearing Obama’s two hour and thirty minute acceptance speech.

On the first ballot none of the three presidential hopefuls managed to get a majority.  Obama, Lyndon Johnson, the sprightly zombie, and Barney Frank finished in a virtual tie.  After the sixth ballot Johnson dropped out when it was clear that Frank was developing a commanding lead.  Johnson delighted onlookers  by releasing his delegates to vote their conscience.  It took three more ballots for Obama to grind out  a narrow victory with 51% of the delegates voting for him.  Frank was gracious in defeat and promised to campaign vigorously for Obama.  Sam Rayburn and Hale Boggs of the Johnson camp spoke for LBJ, announcing that he was going to endorse Obama.  Johnson needed to leave the arena to harvest some cerebral tissue.  His staff, taken by surprise by the number of ballots,  hadn’t stocked the meat locker sufficiently.

In his acceptance speech, Obama promised to revitalize the US economy.  He said that on his first day in office the IRS would freeze the Romney family’s offshore assets in preparation for confiscating them.  While this would be, at best a symbolic debt reduction gesture, in the area of Romney related job creation Obama promised to bail out American Motors and bring back the Rambler, AKA “The All American Car.”  The big surprise of the evening/morning was Obama’s announcement of his initiative to revitalize the economy by eliminating organized crime.  He plans to legalize vice on a grand scale thus taking it out of the hands of criminal entrepreneurs.   His plan involves turning intoxicants, gambling, prostitution, and finance over to private enterprise in hopes of breaking the back of the cartels and crime syndicates that currently control these businesses.  He said,

We can cut the deficit to nothing in ten years or fewer by unleashing the American entrepreneurial spirit and taxing the resulting businesses at a moderate rate.  As a bit of lagniappe, we’ll be able to revitalize America’s inner cities by taking away the gangs’ raison d’etre.  I expect that the most egregiously offensive instances of gangsta rap will become historical curiosities as inner city youth finds gainful employment in what we’re calling the “Service Revolution.

Republican rival Mitt Romney was quick to criticize Obama’s initiative.  “My wife Ann often says, ‘I don’t smoke and I don’t chew and I don’t go with guys who do.’  Gambling, drugs, prostitution, and finance are not the path to a healthy economy.”

Pundit Walter Lippman put down his Medulla Martini and said, “This promises to be the most interesting presidential campaign since Strom Thurmond with his ‘gallows on every corner’ platform crossed swords with Henry Wallace and Harry Truman.”

Master of Warthog Husbandry Arrives

October 30, 2007

Gosh, my first real blog. I’m at a loss for words. Don’t worry, that’s probably better for the reading public. Watch this space for annoying, puerile content.